To celebrate our anniversary, this past weekend my boyfriend Rob and I took a trip to Joshua Tree, where we rented a little desert bungalow with a full kitchen and an outdoor grill. It was the perfect chance for him to make his signature hamburgers and for me to ask him to blog about them. So without further ado...

Kerk Burgers:
A guest post by Rob Kerkovich

The Kerk and his burgers.

What better way to celebrate a weekend in the desert than by eating a juicy, succulent hamburger? I still remember the first time I ever ate a hamburger… It was 1982. My precocious mother fetched some ground chuck from our local butcher and--

OK wait. Stop. I can’t do this. I’m sorry. When Anjali, for some unknown reason, first asked me to contribute a post about hamburgers, I was totally flattered. But then I remembered something. Certain reputable sources have stated that the only people who write food blogs are wealthy Asians… I’m not Asian. And I’m closer to being Asian than I am wealthy. Regardless, I said, “Y’know what? Racial stereotypes be damned! I’m on board!” And I couldn’t wait to get started.

Then, last night, we watched Julie & Julia…

And now -- now I just don’t know if I can write anything about food. Anything that would connect me, in any way, to Julie Powell -- even if it’s writing just ONE food blog post -- would make me die inside. I just can’t do it. The Julia scenes were amazing, obviously, but the Julie parts? The only piece of Julie Powell’s story that I enjoyed was when her heart was broken, Ralph Wiggum-style, once the news reached her that Julia Child kinda thought she was bullshit.

The rest of the time, she either threw temper tantrums or made the same frowny faces that toddlers make when they’ve filled their diapers. She never apologized for any of her behavior, with the exception of blogging some weird rhetorical question in which she drops that she MAY be treating her husband poorly. And the only thing she learns, the biggest lesson she walks away with, is “make sure you finish what you start.” I’m sorry, that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to learn from one of Aesop’s fables, not from dramatic films that take themselves seriously enough to send out SAG screeners.

Wait! Now I too am suddenly overcome by wanting to draw thin connections between myself and Julia Child!

- We’re both 6’2”

- Neither of us liked Julie Powell

- I also find things “hotter than a stiff cock”

Oh my God! She’s so inspiring! I’m going to go out there and become totally self-absorbed and then my friend will call me a bitch but I’ll be cool with it! Then every time I eat stuff I’ve made in front of my friends I’m going to talk about how awesome it tastes!

I have gotten off track. Part of me wants to just stop right now and go out on a really spiteful note… But no. No, Julie Powell has taught me to finish what I started. So...KERK BURGERS!

Kerk burgers. Photo styling by Rob.

Being no stranger to self-absorption, Kerk Burgers are called Kerk Burgers because I named them after myself. Just like how I sing songs to Anjali such as “Kerks Just Want to Have Fun” and “Living on a Kerk” These burgers are my only legacy. And they’re not even that impressive so I doubt my legacy will last very long. [Ed note: Don't believe it.]

Get yourself some ground beef. We’re doing this whole sustainable thing now so we got grass fed meat from the Atwater Village Farmers’ Market. And by “we” I mean “Anjali,” since I’m terrified of farmers’ markets.

Then it’s just a matter of securing the following, incredibly rare ingredients:

-salt

-freshly ground pepper

-garlic powder

-diced onions

-Worcestershire sauce

The hardest thing to find (the Worcestershire sauce) is available in most specialty “ethnic” supermarkets. Chances are they’ll be sold out though, so just buy in bulk online.

Take a little of each ingredient and work it into a patty (I like to do it patty by patty, instead of mixing it all in one bowl). I wish I could be more specific about the amount of each ingredient, but just eyeball it. I mean, it’s salt and pepper and garlic powder and onions and Worcestershire sauce. It’d be delicious on toast.

Now, if you’re like me, you’re a little priss. So anytime you touch raw ground meat, you’re gonna want to wipe off your hands off whenever you put it down. So, do what I do, and get someone to add the ingredients while you hold the meat and bark out “more!” or “less!” It’s a great group activity. You’ll love it. You’ll feel like you’re in an 80’s commercial for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Get out the old people, it’s time to make burgers!

Once your patties are made, throw them on a grill -- preferably one that is hot enough to cook meat -- and cook them so that you can then put them in a bun and eat them. I’d give cooking times and temperatures, but I’m still trying to figure all that out every time I make these. Of course, if you read food blogs, you probably know how to grill a hamburger, or are versed enough in cooking to know how to not screw it up, so I’ll leave the whole cooking part up to you, you little gastronomical savants you…

OK. That’s it.

When he's not criticizing food bloggers or making burgers, Rob enjoys teaching cats to read Google Maps and making funny videos about babies, football and Teen Wolf.